Pretty Darn Good Shootin'

I first became a police officer in 1969, when I joined the Police Department in San Leandro, California. After some time on that Department, I had my first experience with 38 caliber "Snake Load" ammo. I'm not sure they're still around, or even if they are still called snake loads, but they are basically a shot gun style round for pistols in that they fire a spread of small BBs.

I lived with another cop on a little ranch about halfway between Castro Valley and Pleasanton in the canyon there (I can't remember the name of the canyon but it is now where a major freeway goes). Anyway, we discovered snake loads and I got this brilliant idea about how to embarrass a particularly loud mouthed sergeant and make a few bucks as well.

The sergeant's name was Charley and he could shoot pretty well. In San Leandro, we had a pistol range in the basement of the police station and the firing stations were divided by metal bins. One day I told Charley that I knew I was a much better shooter than he was. Of course he scoffed at the idea. Really, he was better than I, but that's another story.

I told him we should go down to the range and we would tape two balloons in two adjoining firing lanes. I would fire one round from my 38 directly at the metal divider between the two lanes and that the one round I fired would cause both balloons to burst. The implication was that my bullet would hit the divider, split and the fragments of my bullet would hit each balloon (but I carefully avoided saying that).

Of course he found this to be a ridiculous claim and I had to talk like Bill Clinton to get him to bet me that I couldn't do it. We finally agreed that if I succeeded he would give me ten dollars. If I failed, five dollars would be his.

Down we went, with a few curious observers. I taped up the balloons and began to line up my shot very carefully. It almost all came apart when he asked to see my gun. The snake loads are easy to see because where the projectile (bullet) normally sticks out of the casing, there is a yellow plastic cylindrical projectile instead.

Charley took my gun opened the cylinder and looked at the back of the bullets but not the front, closed it up and handed it back to me. No problem. In order to make it look real serious, I asked if I could use a bench rest position. He was nice enough to allow this.

So I took the shot, popped both balloons and took ten of Charley's dollars.

A couple of days later the word got out somehow and Charley asked me about it. I gave him his ten dollars back even though I had carefully avoided cheating. He was after all a sergeant. But it was fun while it lasted.

Hizonner's Photographer

The Screen Actors' Guild Awards show was held on January 27, 2008, and was telecast live on TBS and TNT networks.

On the Thursday before the show, I, the chief of security for the show, got a phone call from Kathy Connell's assistant (Kathy Connell is the head person from SAG for the production). The assistant, Manuella, a very pleasant person, was telling me that the Mayor of LA and the Mayor of San Francisco would be at the show, and wanted to know what could be done about their security people. I told her to give me the name and phone number of a contact person and that I would take care of it and I did. There would be five police officers and that was fine with me for two mayors. Manuella was very happy with me for solving one of her problems.

Next morning I received a phone call from Ms. Kim from the Mayor's office. She had five more staffers that wanted to come to the show and heard that I was the man to make it happen. "Sorry for the misunderstanding" I said. I can't help you. She wanted to know who could and I told her I don't know. I suggested that she contact whoever told her to call me. Later I went up to Manuella's office and asked her if she had heard from Ms Kim. She hadn't. I told her that she might and that I thought having five staffers in addition to the security detail was a little excessive but that would be Kathy Connell's call.

Sure enough, the call came. Kathy Connell was a little miffed but allowed that three staffers could come in with the mayor. Ms. Kim was pushing for a photographer and was told "Absolutely Not." Pictures inside this event are sold for big bucks and they didn't want the Mayor's photog getting a free scoop. We felt there was a possibility that they would try to bring the photog anyway and they did.

Day of the show, the Mayor's staff comes in with their proper credentials followed by the photographer (with no credential at all). I was right where I needed to be. I listened closely as my people explained over and over that the photographer could not come in. And these folks were relentless. We were disrespecting them, the photographer, the mayor and a bunch of other things. Finally I saw an Asian looking woman join the others and I stepped up. "Are you Mz Kim?" She was. I asked her why she had brought a photographer after being told not to. I think she was embarrassed and had been hoping that confusion would allow the photog to slip through.

While I'm talking to her, one of the staffers who looked like a dead ringer for a Louis Farakan devotee, steps up and asks me why I'm disrespecting Mz. Kim. "And you are????" I asked. He didn't think I needed that information so I told him I didn't think I needed to answer any questions.

Well I had a great time bantering with these folks. Bottom line, is I told them if anyone is being disrespected here it's us. We graciously and enthusiastically invited the two mayor's here to OUR party. We told them not to bring a photographer and they did. I told them further that my position is they were party crashers and that made them trespassers and would like these details discussed with the media?

They couldn't leave fast enough.

I don't know how many times in my life I've been scammed, but there have been a few times where the attempt didn't work. This was awfully satisfying.