2017 April 3, Adam and Myisha

 I've been thinking a lot about Adam lately and have decided it's time to describe our relationship with him in my journal. Below is a direct copy of an email he sent to Cathy in response to her invitation to see us while we were in Williamsburg for a week last year. He and Myisha were living in/near Norfolk, VA in connection with his current navy assignment.

On Sun, Oct 9, 2016 at 8:31 AM, Adam Partridge

emailadampartridge@gmail.com wrote:

Dear Mom and Dad,

The short answer is ‘thanks for the invitation, but no.’ Even if Myisha and I were emotionally ready to see you again – which we’re not- I’m out of the country all next week for a case.

I love you both. I’m grateful for all of the wonderful things that you have done for me over the course of my life. It saddens me that we cannot have the type of healthy relationship that we all want for each other.

My silence over the past year is not a product of anger but of caution and self-preservation. It’s not my intention to air every grievance, but it suffices to say that your most recent letters and emails have caused me tremendous pain and sadness.

A year ago, I attempted to reach out to you both again. Myisha and I were in a broken and vulnerable emotional state, and I told you that we were open to any expressions of love that you could send our way. What we received, in the form of an accusatory and condescending letter from dad, was the opposite of what I was hoping for. Dad accused us, among other things, of being unworthy of our temple recommends and stated we had an obligation to prove to him that we really wanted to reconnect. So it seemed you weren’t ready to love us how we were and I kept my distance.

Subsequent emails from both of you included accusing Myisha of being evil, exercising unrighteous dominion over me, and an attempt at leveraging the greatest sorrow of my life – our infertility – as evidence of God’s judgment against us for not reconciling with you. And after these types of intentionally hurtful correspondence, there would be odd, benign follow up emails or phone calls including things like ‘hey, you want to have lunch?’

Perhaps our poor behavior compels you as loving parents to rebuke us in such a way. Perhaps we are too thinned skinned. Or perhaps your offensive and schizophrenic behavior is completely uncalled for and worthy of a heartfelt apology and real change. Either way, if you haven’t learned by now, we don’t respond well to condescension and accusation. What we will respond to is love and kindness.

For what it’s worth, we are both doing well. We both serve faithfully in our callings, we are successful in our careers, and enjoy many loving relationships with people who don’t feel obliged to regularly hurt us. Our lives are full and rich.

Myisha continues to be the most amazing person I’ve ever known and I love her with all of my heart. I tell you that so that you know that every time you insult her, either to my face or to each other, you are insulting me. And I can’t have a relationship with you if you continue to feel comfortable doing those kinds of things. If you are able to acknowledge that your behavior is divisive and unacceptable and that you are ready to offer only love and kindness and willing to accept whatever we are capable of giving back in return, then at some point we might be ready as well.

If these conditions are too much, or you are utterly confused how we could possibly be offended by your actions, than what virtue is there in maintaining this type of a relationship with each other, where we all seem incapable of doing nothing but hurting one another?

I miss and love you both very much.

Love,

Adam

On Sun, Oct 2, 2016 at 7:15 PM, Cathleen Partridge cattknap@yahoo.com wrote:

Hi Adam. We will be in Williamsburg for 7 nights beginning the evening of October 10. We would love to meet you for lunch. Is that possible? Of course we would love to see Myisha too if she wants to come. We miss you and love you. Please let me know.

MOM

His words baffle me in all honesty. I am truly sorry that he feels a need for "caution and self preservation". He has, as he has routinely done, spun our efforts to show he and Myisha a desire to love them by interpreting them in the most offensive ways possible and then refuse to talk to us either telephonically, in person or by written communication to discuss them. We have apologized repeatedly but it's not enough. What IS enough has never been revealed to us.

They have refused to have anything to do with us since their marriage except for two occasions when they needed our help. The first time they needed a place to stay while he was attending school at UCLA. We gave them free access to our home in Long Beach for well over a year. During that time, they had virtually exclusive use of two bedrooms and a complete bathroom. No rent or other charges were ever considered. We truly wanted to help and also hoped that they would see us as loving and supportive. They both seemed friendly and loving and appreciative of our help. We hoped they would open their hearts to us and that we could have a loving family relationship. Apparently it was an act because no sooner had they moved to Santa Clara where Adam had been accepted to law school, they cut off all communication again. On those few occasions when we had momentary communication we were told that they still were angry with us because of our treatment of them before their wedding. Apparently not sufficiently angry to turn down free rent for over a year though. And although they indicated they appreciated being able to stay with us, it wasn't enough for them to have an on-going relationship.

The second incident occurred after we moved to Kentucky. They had been spending a lot of money trying to adopt a baby and had been unsuccessful. They had located a young woman in Alabama who wanted to give up her arriving baby and they had put in motion the wheels to make it happen. In order to complete the adoption it would be very useful if Myisha could stay with us for a few days so that she could quickly get to Alabama when the baby arrived. We again said yes and Myisha stayed with us acting all happy and glad to see us. I say "acting" because even though we drove her to Alabama at the appointed time, stayed with them until the birth mother changed her mind and refused to give up her baby, and had Myisha and Adam back to our home for Christmas - all of which again seemed like they liked us and enjoyed being with us - they again, after leaving, broke off all communication.

We made other attempts and whenever we could get them in the same room with us, they were very pleasant and everything seemed to be going in a positive direction. But since then, they have made it clear they want nothing to do with us unless they need something.

Adam's remark in the above email is perhaps indicative. I had suggested that in temple recommend interviews we are asked if "there is anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the church?" I suggested that he start communicating with, forgiving and stop judging us so that, when asked that temple recommend question he could answer truthfully. I never suggested that they were unworthy of their temple recommends. That is a conclusion they reached on their own.

I realize that if they ever read this they will be further infuriated with me but refuse to talk about it. That's the way its been for over 15 years. I'm 71 now and don't know how long I'll be around but it doesn't look like things will be resolved in my life time even though that is one of my greatest desires. Let me be clear. I love Adam and I want to love Myisha as a daughter. I will apologize all day long whenever they want I truly believe that having someone to hate, even though he says he loves us, is some kind of sick need for both of them. Hope it changes.