2023 November 26, Sacrament Meeting Talk

 Gratitude, Lindon 27th Ward, November 26, 2023

In Come Follow Me this morning:

2 Peter 1:5 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;

6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.

8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 1:5-8

Elder Robert D. Hales, April 2017:

"Disciples live so that the characteristics of Christ are woven into the fiber of their beings, as into a spiritual tapestry...

As you can see, weaving the spiritual tapestry of personal discipleship requires more than a single thread. In the Savior’s day, there were many who claimed to be righteous in one or another aspect of their lives. They practiced what I have called selective obedience...

The attributes of the Savior, as we perceive them, are not a script to be followed or list to be checked off. They are interwoven characteristics, added one to another, which develop in us in interactive ways. In other words, we cannot obtain one Christlike characteristic without also obtaining and influencing others. As one characteristic becomes strong, so do many more.

"I would suggest - since we are celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend - that GRATITUDE ought to be added to this tapestry.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays: a time to reflect and be thankful for and appreciate what we have.  And we are truly blessed when we get to do it with loved ones.

It’s unfortunate that our Thanksgiving holiday ends somewhat quickly.  At best it usually means a four or five day weekend.

Gratitude can be seen as a big part of the spirit of Thanksgiving  so here is my plug for prolonging that holiday spirit and finding a way to incorporate it into our day to day existence throughout our lives. And isn’t that a big part of what we have been studying in Come Follow Me? 

Usually when we think about gratitude we are concerned with its effect on the person or persons to whom we are grateful; how nice it is for them to hear that they are appreciated, how it’s the polite thing to do.

And it is.

But I would argue that that isn’t the only thing that makes gratitude important to us as individuals.

There are plentiful reasons to show gratitude in many situations that most of us know very well.  I would like to suggest some additional benefits to think about.

Gratitude Might Interrupt Bad Behavior

Gratitude might very well have a very beneficial effect when expressed during a conflict or contentious interaction with someone. It can, and frequently will, have positive benefits. 

As a policeman I had some success - well sort of - with using gratitude to defuse contentious situations.

The “Nordstrom” effect.

Thank you for speeding in Los Angeles!

Seriously though, for example, let’s say you’re in the middle of a conversation that seems to be escalating into an unpleasant argument.  For example, you might have a young son or daughter who wants to do something that you know has potentially negative consequences.

 You’ve told them in a half dozen different ways that things might go wrong but they’re still not getting it. They are explaining how they can handle the situation and why they believe they should be able to go forward with their plan.  What’s worse, they’re getting angry and the conversation is becoming confrontational.

Voices are being raised, they are accusing you of utterly lacking in trust in them and what will their friends will think.

They are Angry and they're making you angry and you know that you both need to calm down.

How do you handle this?

Try saying, “Thank you.”

What??

Genuinely thanking someone for something when stakes are this high is, I think we can agree, not a normal response. Since gratitude is not a normal response in situations like these it can help knock the momentum of the conversation off the tracks.

Which is exactly what you need. If you allow the conversation to continue escalating, things probably will not be good.

A quick but important point: saying “thank you” to someone is not the same as saying, “you’re right, I’m wrong.” It is simply an expression of appreciation, no more, no less.

But what on earth can you be appreciative about in a situation like this?

This is where you have to calm down and engage your thinking.

You can thank them for being willing to have an open and honest conversation with you.

You can thank them for their feedback.

You can thank them for their past good behavior.

You can thank them for trusting you and loving you in the past.

The point is: there is a lot you can show gratitude for without agreeing that they’re right.

By saying “thank you,” you interrupt the bad behavior and change the tenor of the conversation. From there, you can move the conversation toward a more productive place.

Showing Gratitude Encourages Beneficial Behavior

We humans are social animals. 

We like belonging in groups 

and we love being liked. 

The drive to be accepted by others is a strong one.

When you say “thank you,” you give the other person a social cookie. A social cookie that says, “I like you.”

If you want others to do things that are beneficial to you, give them social cookies when they do things you genuinely appreciate.

So if you have a friend or someone you work with either in the church or at work who often falls short of your expectations, make a big deal about saying “thanks!” when they meet or exceed those expectations.

When you get feedback that’s particularly helpful, say “thank you” and “that's a good idea” and explain why the feedback is so helpful to you.

If you don’t let others know what you like, how can you expect them to do it? Tell them what you like; say “thank you.”

Expressing Gratitude can be So Confusing it Feels Good

If you’re scratching your head over this whole gratitude being selfish thing and wondering if maybe I’m a bit crazy, you’re normal.

Expressing gratitude to someone we don’t like or in situations where gratitude seems out of the ordinary might seem a little confusing. So confusing our brains try to make sense of it.

In his autobiography, Ben Franklin explains how he dealt with the animosity of a rival legislator when he served in the Pennsylvania legislature in the 18th century:

“Having heard that the rival had in his library a certain very scarce and interesting book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return'd it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.”

This is sometimes called “the Ben Franklin effect” and is seen as an example within cognitive dissonance theory, which says that people will often change their attitudes or behavior in order to resolve tensions, or "dissonance", between their thoughts, attitudes, and actions and the thoughts, attitudes and actions of someone else. 

In the case of the Ben Franklin effect, the dissonance is between the rival legislator’s negative attitude towards Ben and the knowledge that he actually did Ben a favor by loaning him his book.

And what our brains usually tell us is that if we do something nice for someone or we express gratitude toward them it must be for a reason. We can convince ourselves, without a whole lot of conscious thought, that we said “thank you” because that person did something nice for us or because we like them.

So if you have someone that gets on your nerves? Do yourself a favor and find something, anything, to be grateful for about who they are or what they do for you.

It won’t necessarily make you suddenly think they’re the Best Person Ever, but it can help you see them as more human and less your worst nightmare.

Perhaps even more important is that expressing gratitude can make for a stronger community. The more we experience help from others, the more likely we are to help others in need.

Expressing gratitude marks that moment of help in our minds and is a good reminder that when we have the opportunity to help, we should. And when we get that opportunity to help someone, and do it then when that person experiences gratitude, what do you think happens to them? Well, they’re more inclined to help others, too.

So the next time you want to rear back and really let the other guy have it, take a moment and ask yourself, “Can gratitude serve me better in this situation?”

Not only is the answer probably, “Yes,” but you might get more out of it than they will.

The Good and Grateful Receiver

PRESIDENT DIETER F. UCHTDORF

SECOND COUNSELOR IN THE FIRST PRESIDENCY

---

At Christmastime we talk a lot about giving, and we all know that “it is more blessed to give than to receive” but I wonder if sometimes we disregard or even disparage the importance of being a good receiver.

On a Christmas day many years ago, a young girl received a beautiful beading kit. The girl’s father suggested that she make something for one of her relatives who had assembled for a family party.

The girl’s face lit up, and she went to work creating what she thought would be a perfect gift. She picked out the person she wanted to make it for—an elderly aunt with an unhappy face and a harsh personality.

“Perhaps if I make her a bracelet,” the little girl thought, “it will make her happy.”

And so she carefully selected each bead and did her very best to make this a special gift for her aunt.

When she finally finished, she approached her aunt, handed her the bracelet, and told her she had designed it and made it just for her.

Silence descended on the room as the aunt picked up the bracelet with her finger and thumb as though she were holding a string of slimy snails. She looked at the gift, squinted her eyes and scrunched up her nose, and dropped the bracelet back into the hands of the little girl. She then turned away from her without saying one word and began talking to someone else.

The little girl blushed with embarrassment. With deep disappointment she quietly walked out of the room.

Her parents attempted to console her. They tried to help her understand that the bracelet was beautiful—regardless of her aunt’s insensitive reaction. But the little girl couldn’t help feeling unhappy every time she thought of this experience.

Decades have passed, and the little girl—now an adult herself—still remembers, with a bit of sadness, that day when her childlike gift was rejected. Every  gift that is offered to us—especially a gift that comes from the heart—is an opportunity to build or strengthen a bond of love. When we are good and grateful receivers, we open a door to deepen our relationship with the giver of the gift. But when we fail to appreciate or even reject a gift, we not only hurt those who extend themselves to us, but in some way we harm ourselves as well.

Our two sons… one who feels no need to express gratitude and the other who does.  Their wives seem to have the same spirit about them as their husbands.  And it has been passed along to the children.

Is our Heavenly Father more likely to bless his children who are grateful?  Truly grateful?

He loves all of his children, as do we.  But we know he has emotions and feelings. So just to be certain, I think we should make sure our gratitude is sincerely expressed and genuine.

2 Peter 1:5 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;

6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.

(And I, of course, add GRATITUDE)

8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

CLOSE

Add 1:

Gratitude (Comb Ridge)

In October of 1879 a group of 237 Latter-day Saints from several small southwestern Utah settlements was called to blaze a new route to, and colonize what is today known as San Juan County in southeastern Utah. The journey was to have taken six weeks but instead took nearly six months. Their struggles and heroics are well documented, particularly their seemingly impossible task of crossing the Colorado River at a place called Hole-in-the-Rock. Those who have visited this place marvel that wagons and teams could have been lowered through this narrow crack in the red rock canyon walls to reach the Colorado River far below. Once the Colorado was crossed, however, many other severe tests awaited them. Tired and worn out, early in April 1880 they faced their final obstacle, a place called Comb Ridge. The Comb is a ridge of solid sandstone forming a steep wall nearly 1,000 feet high.

Nearly one hundred and fifty years later, the ridge is still steep and treacherous. It is difficult to imagine that wagons, teams, men, women, and children could make such an ascent. But still visible are the scars from the wagon wheels left as evidence of their struggles so long ago. How did they feel after enduring so much? Were they bitter after the many months of toil and privation? Did they criticize their leaders for sending them on such an arduous journey, asking them to give up so much? Those questions are answered as the top of Comb Ridge is reached. There inscribed in the red sandstone so long ago were the words, “We thank Thee, O God.”

Brothers and sisters, I pray that we might keep our hearts full of thanks and appreciation for what we have and not dwell on what is not ours. As Latter-day Saints, let us adopt an attitude of gratitude in all we do.

Add 2:

Gratitude“ Is the Memory of the Heart”

President Joseph F. Smith has instructed us that “the spirit of gratitude is always pleasant and satisfying because it carries with it a sense of helpfulness to others; it begets love and friendship, and engenders divine influence. Gratitude is said to be the memory of the heart” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. [1939], 262).

A pleasant and satisfying feeling of gratitude with its sense of helpfulness to others, love and friendship along with the accompanying divine influence, is what we remember from our youth.

Isn’t it ironic that many of us believe that, for example, it is the size, location or grandness of our homes that is important to our children, or the expense and popularity of the things we give them or the educational opportunities we can somehow provide, when it is, instead, the love, helpfulness, friendship and the knowledge of the Savior and His mission that are the things that our children remember most fondly throughout the years.

The important things can be found in any home where a loving mother who leads out in making a home into a Heaven on Earth and a loving father who reveres and adores his wife and loves his children by supporting them to the best of his ability while being there for family home evenings and other  important events.

One of the greatest gifts we as mothers and fathers can give our children is to love each other.

Testimony